“I love you more than you will ever know. That’s my only secret.” – a man said moments before he was killed.
I have always liked secrets. Secret things. Secret lies. Secret truths. Secret sins.
Secrets make the world go round. Except the world will go round the wrong axis if you let it ride on a secret.
Some secrets are often sold as mysteries and we think mysteries are good but they are not as good as they intend to be.
all my life i have only just wanted to be seen. And that’s love to me.
E C Gerd
I have always enjoyed being a mystery but that made me warped and crooked. Those acts of cooking up more mystery to shore up the original mystery is cooking lies to cover a much simpler lie. The only mystery that there could ever be is the one of the trinity. The triune God in all their beauty, power and unity are the only one intended for good. Hidden things are meant to be uncovered. And I feel like a discovery. I feel like I am being uncovered. Being stripped of mystery for a purposeful use.
For a while now I have been unravelling. Shedding skin. Evolving. Gaining clarity and straightening crookedness. I have been breathing and dying. Carbon dioxide likes to stay and oxygen does not want me. I feel like I have felt what it is like to be shot somewhere in the gut and betrayal feels worse than that. I do not recognize some parts of me anymore. I do not know the man I see in the mirror so I ask him. He does not seem so sure himself of who he is. Kind eyes, a struggling smile and warmth oozes out of the glass to me. ‘I want to be seen and felt’ is what he it seems he is trying to say.
I look intently and I start to see what should be and may have become. This is neither the best nor the worst me. This is a fusion of all my parallels yet trying to stay true to the real self. It instantly hits me. I am made for more. I cannot be less than what I was made.
This is the last day of the first month of my year. I have claimed this year for myself. It is going to be the first year for the rest of my life. The work will be put in. Waking up daily to pick up my cross is the first of such steps. I am going to be Corleone and Clericuzio put together all the while being the Gerd Tommy Shelby. I have my Aida and my Polly Gray and its over for you lot. Me b3 rule wiase nyinaa in the name of my Lord.
I am only human trying to be a god and it’s the hardest thing I have ever tried to do. Yet this is the year we fall in love with doing hard things and that’s why I am about to have a grueling 8 months. For 21 days of this first month, I afflicted my soul. I went in search of something and I found only pieces and fragments of it. I will breathe on them and let them all come together. My name will echo in the corridors of eternity. My ambitions are now holy. I found a secret and let go of all other secrets I held. This is not the meditation of Descartes so I am not because I think. Cogito ergo sum is highly inadequate to capture my essence. This is the unveiling of the premeditated counsel of a higher power. This is my single announcement to you that I am here. I am burning and not consumed. I fight and I feast in my enemy’s presence. I have beheld and I am becoming. I have loved and lost and now loving to never lose again. I am a gift to the nations and I daresay – all of mankind.
I have given up wrath, fear, greed and envy. I am the man that cannot be moved. My muses leave me. And so I leave myself. What can be said has been said. I wish to give you more, friend and lover of my soul. A man can only give what he has and this all I have for you today but best believe I will go and have more so I can give more. If you ever encounter me in my truest form, only then would you glimpse meaning into these words. ‘I love you more than you will ever know. That is my only secret’.
Life before death.
Strength before weakness.
Journey before destination.
a GIFT of WORDS 